My son walks out and suddenly I am sobbing like a child. I am beside myself. The epitome of a broken woman, fallen apart, destroyed by rejection and feelings. My son tries to console me, in fact, he hasn't been this attentive in what... a year, maybe 2 years. But I am irrational, inconsolable. He applies logic, my brain agrees, but my self esteem and my fear have taken over this show. They are in charge. They are making an absolute fool of me.
What could leave this mature, independent woman falling apart?
1 simple text message.
I sent 1 message to a guy I have been dating for 6 weeks. Yup, only 6 weeks, could be 7 but lets just say 6 cause it makes this story even more tragic.
I sent a text message hours ago to the guy I was dating that is moving interstate in 2 weeks.
"how are you feeling hun?"
Hours and hours I'm waiting, checked my phone for a flashing light, and nothing. I picked up my phone at least a dozen times, nothing. As the time wore on, I became uneasy and was feeling more and more rejected. My head went into over drive. My negative self talk went into top gear "he is on tinder again, he is talking to someone else, he is no longer even at a point where he respects me enough to answer me, why couldn't he tell me he was done and ready to move on, why didn't he just talk to me, why did he have to end it this way, all our time together was perfect, whats wrong with me"
Yup I was winding myself up good and proper.
My son walked in to me listening to this and reading this - I try anything to calm down and be rational again.
He looks at what I am reading and says " Mum, people don't usually reply because they are busy doing something else, its not because its the persons fault". And he went on to try and help me get over my deep feeling of rejection. I couldn't stop crying. The dogs were looking at me with worried looks on their faces, my son was being so sweet and caring, but I felt so sad. This went on for at least 10 mins, I said " I hate being a grown up" whilst acting like a child. I said "don't fall in love" only to be told , "mum maybe you should stop dating"
On and on went woeful me. I even picked up the phone to show him the simple message I sent the guy. "see son look at ..... OH SHIT"
OH MY GOD, the message hadn't sent.
We looked at each other, I looked at my sanity. OH MY GOD. I just spent hours, crying about, reading about, thinking about why HE DIDN'T REPLY.
And most of the advice said... GET A LIFE, get over it, do something. Don't take it personally. Its not about you. He may need some space, he may be busy, he just may have a flat phone.
Or maybe, maybe, you just DIDN'T send the bloody message.
So whats the moral of my story? Well there are a few. Firstly the big one here is perception seems to be 9 /10ths of the law.
Here I thought Id sent a message and I didn't get a reply. I thought I was being rejected. I thought I knew what he was thinking. I thought I wasn't worthy.
And quite simply I didn't even send the message and all those thoughts were wrong. And yet I believed them to the point that I felt sick, I felt unworthy, I was upset, distracted, unrelaxed and sad.
I had lost the ability to keep my shit together. In just 6 weeks, I lost my ability to believe in myself and my own worth.
But how did this happen ?
True story. I didn't follow a very wise dating plan - the 6 date rule I used a few times. I allowed my self to become intimate and attached after the second date. And by doing that, I lost the ability to be objective.
I failed to see that 1. This guy was not suitable for me 2. This guy was only 2.5 months out of a relationship so emotionally very very wounded 3. Then this guy gets a job interstate so the romance was short lived. 4. He indicated early on he wouldn't consider me for a long term relationship 5. He threw strong feeling words around very early on 6. He resembled a love addict.7. although he said I was preety alot, he never really asked about me or my life.
Ive been crazy in love, Ive been madly in love, Ive had successful love and long term love. But now in my life, I have to be careful in love. I have to not allow intimacy to cloud my judgement. I need to get to know someone before I rush in and let my feelings out. Because at 20, you brush them off. But at 46, they really really cloud your judgement and you can lose the ability to be practical and sensible.
So, yes of course I re learnt and was bluntly reminded that as an emotional feeling woman, it isn't smart for me to do anything other than follow a Dating plan in future and perhaps apply the 6 date rule.