Be very very clear on what you want... because if you aren't you won't get it

One of the great discoveries for someone with a busy mind like mine, is Blogging.... it gets all the crap out of my head.

The second best thing about blogging for me is typing out what is in my head. Onto the computer. Because, thank God, one of the few things I learnt in College (Private High School in Australia) - was touch typing. And because I can type fast, I can type as quickly as the thoughts come out.

Funny when I think about it. I thought Secondary school was a waste of time, but when I do stop and reflect, I learnt alot in those 4 years I was there.

Here are some of the things I learnt:

1. Italian girls aren't bitches in the teenage years (well 80's Italian girls weren't)
2. Sewing was fun and I have really good sewing skills
3. Don't talk when you cook. Because you will spit in your food ( thanks Mrs Western!)
4. Madonna is a legend (that still stands)
5. Touch typing - I'm killing it ! I love seeing people's reactions when they think I am as daft as the next blonde and I whip up a storm on my keyboard.

Okkkeeee. I got super side tracked there. The purpose of today's blog is to get out of my head a long standing list. For a grown up, the most important list I should ever have. A list I never thought to put together, never really put any thought into and never understood any reason to have it.

Time and people constantly remind me I MUST have this list. This list is going to grow. Which means this BLOG is going to grow. But you know what, I am growing too, so it is only natural that the list is going to grow as I do. So here is the list today - the 18th of October, 2015.

Here goes. This is the list of what I want in a relationship, would I say what I want in a man, no because I don't want to box myself in (pardon the pun). So, its what I want in a companion - in the second half of my gloriously interesting life.

Natural. Pleasant. Comfortable. Independent. Thoughtful. Kind. Loves animals. Doesn't litter. Considerate. Sensitively tuned. Patient.

Today I want to find a friend. Someone that takes the time to ask me how my day/week was and to listen with interest and involvement. Someone who is patient enough to let our friendship evolve but also knows in their heart, that they want it to evolve. Someone who understands that only time will melt my frozen heart, time, caring, understanding. Someone who completely understands I want to be loved for the little girl in me, the woman in me and the person in me. Not for my body, for my sexuality, for my security. Someone that loves to explore the sum of all possibilities with me. Someone who respects my role and my responsibility as a mother, daughter and friend. Someone that I am inspired enough not to whine to, but share only positive experiences with. Someone that encourages and supports my need for gratitude. Someone that is cuddly, loving and sweet. Someone that has only eyes for me. Who sees in me something that makes them feel loved, content, joyful, grateful, happy and special. Someone that is proud of all that I achieve, of all that I try to achieve and for all the successes in my life. Someone that loves to read with me, and without a word, exudes presence, comfort and warmth.  But most importantly, communication is so important. Few words, but effective words. Where we can express needs, wants, desires and yet not over complicate anything.

Added 20 October: That he be resourceful, and good with his hands, able to throw together a chook shed, fix something that is broken. To be able to work alongside my on my property or at his property/home. Share fixing and building and updating. 

Right now, I am just so grateful that I am able to put in to words the person that will come into my life. Because I know it will happen. It might not happen tomorrow, or next week, but I know that special person will come into my life.

Why?
Because I have put it out there. And when you do that, it will come. It will manifest. Its is like if you think negative thoughts, negative things will happen.
My world is different now. I now have male friends that respect me and care for me. I now have female friends that are really friends. And I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be.

As you may have read in my past posts, it's been a long hard journey, but I have faith in my higher power, and the love that I feel has helped me move away from falling into emotional land mines.

I now recognise when a man is not available and as much as I am happy to offer a friendship, I know now that to offer anymore is really not worth it.

And in the words of Meryl Streep recently:

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.

I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”.

I am excited for what positive thoughts will bring me. Share in my excitement. I wish you nothing but joy also.

Damn you feelings !

Different things rock different people. There are the people that are strong looking forward but weak looking back – and then the other way around.

I am strong when someone loves me and I don’t have the same feelings, but if I love someone or have feelings for them and they don’t me, or they have feelings for someone else, then I am bought to my knees.

I am the master at not feeling feelings, but when I am forced to, I hate it. I hate that sickly feeling, I hate that gut wrenching feeling of falling .. .. out of control.

But if I was realistic, I know that this feeling will pass the moment my head comes back off a pillow the next day and if its not the next day, it will be the one after.

Allowing myself to sit in feelings is very challenging, and yet, when I do , when I listen to my intuition, I grow so much.

The best tool to use during emotionally turbulent times….

God,

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

But you don't even know me

Have you ever experienced someone NOT like you despite the fact that they have never met you?

How did that work for you?

Did you feel upset, hurt, angry?

Do the thoughts WTF, is she/he serious , who the hell does she/he think they are cross your mind?

Your right, it is hurtful and it would upset you. And with any kind of pain or hurt, there will come anger.

But there is something very powerful that you can learn - that will help you move past this issue.

Recently I ran into the ex wife of an ex boyfriend for the very first time. I had never ever met the woman and thought if I ever did that I would be happy and comfortable in her company. I felt no ill will toward her and honestly had no reason to.

It was only recently I came face to face with her after my ex and I became friends again - a good year after we broke up. My ex and I are now friends, and with that we are thankfully behaving more like friends than we did when we were in a relationship. The reason why I ended that particular relationship was because I wasn't treated even like a friend when we were dating, I was the dirty little hidden girlfriend and second best to the ex wife.

So, if anyone really had a bone to pick - it would have been me.

But I don't. I have dealt with my resentments and I have moved on. I have the tools of recovery. And one of those very tools that I have learnt is learning not to care about someone else's issue.

Because I now have in my mind very clearly - 'What someone else thinks of me is none of my business', I can not stress about it beyond a day or so.

So if she dislikes me - then that is not my issue. If she choses to have a negative emotion in her, then its not my issue. Quite simply I can only pray for her and wish her well. And I can hand over any worry, hurt or disappointment to my Higher Power and ask him to love her and bring her peace.

Sure, it bites to see someone so blatantly dislike me, especially because she is the mother of the children of the man that I care for. I have done nothing against her and I am not a nasty or bad person.

But I feel so blessed to have learnt this tool of recovery and I hope that by sharing this with you, you too can be empowered to move on when someone throws some shade on you.

Learning the art of staying single

Tough times ahead. Attempting to remain single in a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce. Whats that got to do with it ? Well, that leaves alot of single grown ups/ parents floating around where being single has a stigma. Where alot of people think the cure is to jump back into a relationship.

I know for me, as I have mentioned earlier, there was a fear that by being single I am being perceived by myself and by others that no one wants me. My goal was to not only decide that I am happy to be on my own but also to totally get two very important things. One, that I need to really get it, believe it and live it and two I need to get that what other people think of my single status, is ultimately none of my business.

In the meantime, there is the challenge of staying single. The challenge of resisting temptations.

When I was young, the only real place you met guys was in bars.  It was very simplistic. You saw someone you liked, you chatted, you hangout and ... Hello!

These days, the whole scene is completely different. Potential suitors come at you from so many different angles. There are single people everywhere. At work, on the way to work , at the shops, on line (Internet - dating apps) , social media, friends, friends of friends... its endless.

Dating at 45 is insanely different from dating at 20. Here are some reasons why:

* tick boxes - when we are young and single, it was a preety simple criteria to meet. Be pleasing to the eye, reciprocate attraction.- that's it
* At 20 your range of selection was limited. You had a very small choice of guys just a few years older than you. At 45, there is that same option (bald, no hair and man boobs) or you can go younger...... If he is a man, then he is eligible. And boy does that open up the playing field.
* Most single guys my age carry some form of baggage that really impacts on their ability to chill out, be balanced emotionally,  loving, attentive and happy to be in a relationship.
* At 45, I am not the naive young girl with no confidence that I am now. I know a dud when I see one, I can spot a egotistical player a mile away and I know when a man is not over an ex.
* At 45 I feel like a woman. I know what I want, I know what I don't want and I allow my maturity and confidence guide the way I walk and teach me how to talk. I am more self assured and less tolerant of time wasting.

So why do I want to stay single?

My purpose for trying to stay single is this. I don't want to be in a serious relationship. Ok, lets define serious girl ?

I have no desire to live with someone, I don't want to get remarried (need to get unmarried first),  I don't want to be controlled by anyone. I don't want to be let down by anyone. I don't even want to set myself up to be hurt by anyone. And I don't want to deal with someone else' baggage.

I don't want to hear about ex partners over and over again. I don't want to be with a man who is still under the thumb of an ex. I don't want to deal with a guys who haven't looked at themselves and taken responsibility for their emotional growth. I don't want to be used, I don't want to be mis-understood.

And most importantly, I don't know if I am ready or capable of love yet.

There is alot of wonderful interesting available people out there to discover and get to know and befriend.

Being single allows me to understand myself more, the world more and the wonderful world of social interaction. There are special friends and family I want to spend time with. I want to discover hobbies, passions and interests.

It will take someone preety special to convince me otherwise. And that is something we all must aspire to. We are worth so much. And its a nice feeling knowing what your real worth is. Never lose sight of it.