December 2015 and it is exciting times.
I am super excited about life as it is now, I am comfortable about not looking back and happy to look forward. I had an epiphany realising the 2 men I dated since my marriage breakup 3 years ago where emotionally damaged alcoholics.
So now I am ready to meet a man who isn't impacted by an addiction.
I can love both of these men for the unique amazing men that they are and walk away without any regrets, a heavy heart and bitterness.
I let them both go whole heartedly with love.
So 2 weeks ago I started on line dating. And what a revelation. There are ALOT of really lovely mis understood men and women out there. The men think the women are nuts and the women think the men only want 1 thing. I hear time and time again, "you sound normal". And it really makes me wonder what the hell is going on out there. Is there honesty, is fear driving people to not be true to themselves and what they honestly want. Do people really understand themselves and respect themselves enough to put out there what they really want and not budge. To maintain boundaries with dignity and respect? The fun thing is I am starting to ask people, what is it you are struggling with, with women. What do you say to them ? At what point do they freak out and go weird? Is it simple misunderstandings ? I find it all a bit fascinating actually.
It has taken alot of growth over the last 3 years to discover a few things about myself. And to be comfortable with it.
1. I find people viewing me and commenting on me from a sexual angle, incredibly dis respectful, insulting and intolerable. And I am happy to disregard them or remove them from contact with no self doubt.
2. I have a youth about me that is obvious to alot of people
3. I am comfortable with my looks, my body and who I am as a person
4. I am alot calmer within my self now and it is apparent to other people. In fact, it is mentioned alot and I am really really happy with it.
5. I have a real sense of calm in what will be will be. I feel no need to chase anything or anyone, just merely to acknowledge enthusiasm and interest.
6. I will not chase friendships. I will make an initial effort and if I don't feel it reciprocated or respected, then I will walk away. With no regrets.
I read my recent post about putting it out there what I want and I know now I will even go to the point of being very honest and clear what my expectations are with any man that "says" they want to spend time with me.
I will not rush into any commitment like I did in the past, I feel no pressure to select only one person immediately and I am happy to meet up with a number of people until I have made my decision. I will not settle with anyone that does not meet all that I have listed on the previous blog. If they really value and want me, then I need to see that.
I do not feel needy, clingy or desperate. I have immense gratitude for all that I have in my life and understand completely that I can not go into a serious time filled relationship. It will take time to thaw out, to give my heart again. Time and trust and alot of warm fuzzy lovely cuddles, laughter and kisses.
10/12/2015
18/10/2015
Be very very clear on what you want... because if you aren't you won't get it
One of the great discoveries for someone with a busy mind like mine, is Blogging.... it gets all the crap out of my head.
The second best thing about blogging for me is typing out what is in my head. Onto the computer. Because, thank God, one of the few things I learnt in College (Private High School in Australia) - was touch typing. And because I can type fast, I can type as quickly as the thoughts come out.
Funny when I think about it. I thought Secondary school was a waste of time, but when I do stop and reflect, I learnt alot in those 4 years I was there.
Here are some of the things I learnt:
1. Italian girls aren't bitches in the teenage years (well 80's Italian girls weren't)
2. Sewing was fun and I have really good sewing skills
3. Don't talk when you cook. Because you will spit in your food ( thanks Mrs Western!)
4. Madonna is a legend (that still stands)
5. Touch typing - I'm killing it ! I love seeing people's reactions when they think I am as daft as the next blonde and I whip up a storm on my keyboard.
Okkkeeee. I got super side tracked there. The purpose of today's blog is to get out of my head a long standing list. For a grown up, the most important list I should ever have. A list I never thought to put together, never really put any thought into and never understood any reason to have it.
Time and people constantly remind me I MUST have this list. This list is going to grow. Which means this BLOG is going to grow. But you know what, I am growing too, so it is only natural that the list is going to grow as I do. So here is the list today - the 18th of October, 2015.
Here goes. This is the list of what I want in a relationship, would I say what I want in a man, no because I don't want to box myself in (pardon the pun). So, its what I want in a companion - in the second half of my gloriously interesting life.
Natural. Pleasant. Comfortable. Independent. Thoughtful. Kind. Loves animals. Doesn't litter. Considerate. Sensitively tuned. Patient.
Today I want to find a friend. Someone that takes the time to ask me how my day/week was and to listen with interest and involvement. Someone who is patient enough to let our friendship evolve but also knows in their heart, that they want it to evolve. Someone who understands that only time will melt my frozen heart, time, caring, understanding. Someone who completely understands I want to be loved for the little girl in me, the woman in me and the person in me. Not for my body, for my sexuality, for my security. Someone that loves to explore the sum of all possibilities with me. Someone who respects my role and my responsibility as a mother, daughter and friend. Someone that I am inspired enough not to whine to, but share only positive experiences with. Someone that encourages and supports my need for gratitude. Someone that is cuddly, loving and sweet. Someone that has only eyes for me. Who sees in me something that makes them feel loved, content, joyful, grateful, happy and special. Someone that is proud of all that I achieve, of all that I try to achieve and for all the successes in my life. Someone that loves to read with me, and without a word, exudes presence, comfort and warmth. But most importantly, communication is so important. Few words, but effective words. Where we can express needs, wants, desires and yet not over complicate anything.
Added 20 October: That he be resourceful, and good with his hands, able to throw together a chook shed, fix something that is broken. To be able to work alongside my on my property or at his property/home. Share fixing and building and updating.
Right now, I am just so grateful that I am able to put in to words the person that will come into my life. Because I know it will happen. It might not happen tomorrow, or next week, but I know that special person will come into my life.
Why?
Because I have put it out there. And when you do that, it will come. It will manifest. Its is like if you think negative thoughts, negative things will happen.
My world is different now. I now have male friends that respect me and care for me. I now have female friends that are really friends. And I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be.
As you may have read in my past posts, it's been a long hard journey, but I have faith in my higher power, and the love that I feel has helped me move away from falling into emotional land mines.
I now recognise when a man is not available and as much as I am happy to offer a friendship, I know now that to offer anymore is really not worth it.
And in the words of Meryl Streep recently:
“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.
I am excited for what positive thoughts will bring me. Share in my excitement. I wish you nothing but joy also.
The second best thing about blogging for me is typing out what is in my head. Onto the computer. Because, thank God, one of the few things I learnt in College (Private High School in Australia) - was touch typing. And because I can type fast, I can type as quickly as the thoughts come out.
Funny when I think about it. I thought Secondary school was a waste of time, but when I do stop and reflect, I learnt alot in those 4 years I was there.
Here are some of the things I learnt:
1. Italian girls aren't bitches in the teenage years (well 80's Italian girls weren't)
2. Sewing was fun and I have really good sewing skills
3. Don't talk when you cook. Because you will spit in your food ( thanks Mrs Western!)
4. Madonna is a legend (that still stands)
5. Touch typing - I'm killing it ! I love seeing people's reactions when they think I am as daft as the next blonde and I whip up a storm on my keyboard.
Okkkeeee. I got super side tracked there. The purpose of today's blog is to get out of my head a long standing list. For a grown up, the most important list I should ever have. A list I never thought to put together, never really put any thought into and never understood any reason to have it.
Time and people constantly remind me I MUST have this list. This list is going to grow. Which means this BLOG is going to grow. But you know what, I am growing too, so it is only natural that the list is going to grow as I do. So here is the list today - the 18th of October, 2015.
Here goes. This is the list of what I want in a relationship, would I say what I want in a man, no because I don't want to box myself in (pardon the pun). So, its what I want in a companion - in the second half of my gloriously interesting life.
Natural. Pleasant. Comfortable. Independent. Thoughtful. Kind. Loves animals. Doesn't litter. Considerate. Sensitively tuned. Patient.
Today I want to find a friend. Someone that takes the time to ask me how my day/week was and to listen with interest and involvement. Someone who is patient enough to let our friendship evolve but also knows in their heart, that they want it to evolve. Someone who understands that only time will melt my frozen heart, time, caring, understanding. Someone who completely understands I want to be loved for the little girl in me, the woman in me and the person in me. Not for my body, for my sexuality, for my security. Someone that loves to explore the sum of all possibilities with me. Someone who respects my role and my responsibility as a mother, daughter and friend. Someone that I am inspired enough not to whine to, but share only positive experiences with. Someone that encourages and supports my need for gratitude. Someone that is cuddly, loving and sweet. Someone that has only eyes for me. Who sees in me something that makes them feel loved, content, joyful, grateful, happy and special. Someone that is proud of all that I achieve, of all that I try to achieve and for all the successes in my life. Someone that loves to read with me, and without a word, exudes presence, comfort and warmth. But most importantly, communication is so important. Few words, but effective words. Where we can express needs, wants, desires and yet not over complicate anything.
Added 20 October: That he be resourceful, and good with his hands, able to throw together a chook shed, fix something that is broken. To be able to work alongside my on my property or at his property/home. Share fixing and building and updating.
Right now, I am just so grateful that I am able to put in to words the person that will come into my life. Because I know it will happen. It might not happen tomorrow, or next week, but I know that special person will come into my life.
Why?
Because I have put it out there. And when you do that, it will come. It will manifest. Its is like if you think negative thoughts, negative things will happen.
My world is different now. I now have male friends that respect me and care for me. I now have female friends that are really friends. And I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be.
As you may have read in my past posts, it's been a long hard journey, but I have faith in my higher power, and the love that I feel has helped me move away from falling into emotional land mines.
I now recognise when a man is not available and as much as I am happy to offer a friendship, I know now that to offer anymore is really not worth it.
And in the words of Meryl Streep recently:
“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.
I am excited for what positive thoughts will bring me. Share in my excitement. I wish you nothing but joy also.
13/10/2015
Damn you feelings !
Different things rock different people. There are the people
that are strong looking forward but weak looking back – and then the other way
around.
I am strong when someone loves me and I don’t have the same
feelings, but if I love someone or have feelings for them and they don’t me, or
they have feelings for someone else, then I am bought to my knees.
I am the master at not feeling feelings, but when I am
forced to, I hate it. I hate that sickly feeling, I hate that gut wrenching
feeling of falling .. .. out of control.
But if I was realistic, I know that this feeling will pass
the moment my head comes back off a pillow the next day and if its not the next
day, it will be the one after.
Allowing myself to sit in feelings is very challenging, and
yet, when I do , when I listen to my intuition, I grow so much.
The best tool to use during emotionally turbulent times….
God,
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change,
Courage the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
11/10/2015
But you don't even know me
Have you ever experienced someone NOT like you despite the fact that they have never met you?
How did that work for you?
Did you feel upset, hurt, angry?
Do the thoughts WTF, is she/he serious , who the hell does she/he think they are cross your mind?
Your right, it is hurtful and it would upset you. And with any kind of pain or hurt, there will come anger.
But there is something very powerful that you can learn - that will help you move past this issue.
Recently I ran into the ex wife of an ex boyfriend for the very first time. I had never ever met the woman and thought if I ever did that I would be happy and comfortable in her company. I felt no ill will toward her and honestly had no reason to.
It was only recently I came face to face with her after my ex and I became friends again - a good year after we broke up. My ex and I are now friends, and with that we are thankfully behaving more like friends than we did when we were in a relationship. The reason why I ended that particular relationship was because I wasn't treated even like a friend when we were dating, I was the dirty little hidden girlfriend and second best to the ex wife.
So, if anyone really had a bone to pick - it would have been me.
But I don't. I have dealt with my resentments and I have moved on. I have the tools of recovery. And one of those very tools that I have learnt is learning not to care about someone else's issue.
Because I now have in my mind very clearly - 'What someone else thinks of me is none of my business', I can not stress about it beyond a day or so.
So if she dislikes me - then that is not my issue. If she choses to have a negative emotion in her, then its not my issue. Quite simply I can only pray for her and wish her well. And I can hand over any worry, hurt or disappointment to my Higher Power and ask him to love her and bring her peace.
Sure, it bites to see someone so blatantly dislike me, especially because she is the mother of the children of the man that I care for. I have done nothing against her and I am not a nasty or bad person.
But I feel so blessed to have learnt this tool of recovery and I hope that by sharing this with you, you too can be empowered to move on when someone throws some shade on you.
How did that work for you?
Did you feel upset, hurt, angry?
Do the thoughts WTF, is she/he serious , who the hell does she/he think they are cross your mind?
Your right, it is hurtful and it would upset you. And with any kind of pain or hurt, there will come anger.
But there is something very powerful that you can learn - that will help you move past this issue.
Recently I ran into the ex wife of an ex boyfriend for the very first time. I had never ever met the woman and thought if I ever did that I would be happy and comfortable in her company. I felt no ill will toward her and honestly had no reason to.
It was only recently I came face to face with her after my ex and I became friends again - a good year after we broke up. My ex and I are now friends, and with that we are thankfully behaving more like friends than we did when we were in a relationship. The reason why I ended that particular relationship was because I wasn't treated even like a friend when we were dating, I was the dirty little hidden girlfriend and second best to the ex wife.
So, if anyone really had a bone to pick - it would have been me.
But I don't. I have dealt with my resentments and I have moved on. I have the tools of recovery. And one of those very tools that I have learnt is learning not to care about someone else's issue.
Because I now have in my mind very clearly - 'What someone else thinks of me is none of my business', I can not stress about it beyond a day or so.
So if she dislikes me - then that is not my issue. If she choses to have a negative emotion in her, then its not my issue. Quite simply I can only pray for her and wish her well. And I can hand over any worry, hurt or disappointment to my Higher Power and ask him to love her and bring her peace.
Sure, it bites to see someone so blatantly dislike me, especially because she is the mother of the children of the man that I care for. I have done nothing against her and I am not a nasty or bad person.
But I feel so blessed to have learnt this tool of recovery and I hope that by sharing this with you, you too can be empowered to move on when someone throws some shade on you.
05/10/2015
Learning the art of staying single
Tough times ahead. Attempting to remain single in a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce. Whats that got to do with it ? Well, that leaves alot of single grown ups/ parents floating around where being single has a stigma. Where alot of people think the cure is to jump back into a relationship.
I know for me, as I have mentioned earlier, there was a fear that by being single I am being perceived by myself and by others that no one wants me. My goal was to not only decide that I am happy to be on my own but also to totally get two very important things. One, that I need to really get it, believe it and live it and two I need to get that what other people think of my single status, is ultimately none of my business.
In the meantime, there is the challenge of staying single. The challenge of resisting temptations.
When I was young, the only real place you met guys was in bars. It was very simplistic. You saw someone you liked, you chatted, you hangout and ... Hello!
These days, the whole scene is completely different. Potential suitors come at you from so many different angles. There are single people everywhere. At work, on the way to work , at the shops, on line (Internet - dating apps) , social media, friends, friends of friends... its endless.
Dating at 45 is insanely different from dating at 20. Here are some reasons why:
* tick boxes - when we are young and single, it was a preety simple criteria to meet. Be pleasing to the eye, reciprocate attraction.- that's it
* At 20 your range of selection was limited. You had a very small choice of guys just a few years older than you. At 45, there is that same option (bald, no hair and man boobs) or you can go younger...... If he is a man, then he is eligible. And boy does that open up the playing field.
* Most single guys my age carry some form of baggage that really impacts on their ability to chill out, be balanced emotionally, loving, attentive and happy to be in a relationship.
* At 45, I am not the naive young girl with no confidence that I am now. I know a dud when I see one, I can spot a egotistical player a mile away and I know when a man is not over an ex.
* At 45 I feel like a woman. I know what I want, I know what I don't want and I allow my maturity and confidence guide the way I walk and teach me how to talk. I am more self assured and less tolerant of time wasting.
So why do I want to stay single?
My purpose for trying to stay single is this. I don't want to be in a serious relationship. Ok, lets define serious girl ?
I have no desire to live with someone, I don't want to get remarried (need to get unmarried first), I don't want to be controlled by anyone. I don't want to be let down by anyone. I don't even want to set myself up to be hurt by anyone. And I don't want to deal with someone else' baggage.
I don't want to hear about ex partners over and over again. I don't want to be with a man who is still under the thumb of an ex. I don't want to deal with a guys who haven't looked at themselves and taken responsibility for their emotional growth. I don't want to be used, I don't want to be mis-understood.
And most importantly, I don't know if I am ready or capable of love yet.
There is alot of wonderful interesting available people out there to discover and get to know and befriend.
Being single allows me to understand myself more, the world more and the wonderful world of social interaction. There are special friends and family I want to spend time with. I want to discover hobbies, passions and interests.
It will take someone preety special to convince me otherwise. And that is something we all must aspire to. We are worth so much. And its a nice feeling knowing what your real worth is. Never lose sight of it.
I know for me, as I have mentioned earlier, there was a fear that by being single I am being perceived by myself and by others that no one wants me. My goal was to not only decide that I am happy to be on my own but also to totally get two very important things. One, that I need to really get it, believe it and live it and two I need to get that what other people think of my single status, is ultimately none of my business.
In the meantime, there is the challenge of staying single. The challenge of resisting temptations.
When I was young, the only real place you met guys was in bars. It was very simplistic. You saw someone you liked, you chatted, you hangout and ... Hello!
These days, the whole scene is completely different. Potential suitors come at you from so many different angles. There are single people everywhere. At work, on the way to work , at the shops, on line (Internet - dating apps) , social media, friends, friends of friends... its endless.
Dating at 45 is insanely different from dating at 20. Here are some reasons why:
* tick boxes - when we are young and single, it was a preety simple criteria to meet. Be pleasing to the eye, reciprocate attraction.- that's it
* At 20 your range of selection was limited. You had a very small choice of guys just a few years older than you. At 45, there is that same option (bald, no hair and man boobs) or you can go younger...... If he is a man, then he is eligible. And boy does that open up the playing field.
* Most single guys my age carry some form of baggage that really impacts on their ability to chill out, be balanced emotionally, loving, attentive and happy to be in a relationship.
* At 45, I am not the naive young girl with no confidence that I am now. I know a dud when I see one, I can spot a egotistical player a mile away and I know when a man is not over an ex.
* At 45 I feel like a woman. I know what I want, I know what I don't want and I allow my maturity and confidence guide the way I walk and teach me how to talk. I am more self assured and less tolerant of time wasting.
So why do I want to stay single?
My purpose for trying to stay single is this. I don't want to be in a serious relationship. Ok, lets define serious girl ?
I have no desire to live with someone, I don't want to get remarried (need to get unmarried first), I don't want to be controlled by anyone. I don't want to be let down by anyone. I don't even want to set myself up to be hurt by anyone. And I don't want to deal with someone else' baggage.
I don't want to hear about ex partners over and over again. I don't want to be with a man who is still under the thumb of an ex. I don't want to deal with a guys who haven't looked at themselves and taken responsibility for their emotional growth. I don't want to be used, I don't want to be mis-understood.
And most importantly, I don't know if I am ready or capable of love yet.
There is alot of wonderful interesting available people out there to discover and get to know and befriend.
Being single allows me to understand myself more, the world more and the wonderful world of social interaction. There are special friends and family I want to spend time with. I want to discover hobbies, passions and interests.
It will take someone preety special to convince me otherwise. And that is something we all must aspire to. We are worth so much. And its a nice feeling knowing what your real worth is. Never lose sight of it.
23/08/2015
You wouldn't run on a broken leg right?
1/8/2015
Have you ever thought its not a good idea to walk on a broken leg or use a broken arm ?
Not many people function on broken limbs, and if they do, what do we think?
We think - are you crazy ? Are you stupid?
Heal that limb, rest, take time out. Get it fixed.
And yet,
Have you ever thought its not a good idea to walk on a broken leg or use a broken arm ?
Not many people function on broken limbs, and if they do, what do we think?
We think - are you crazy ? Are you stupid?
Heal that limb, rest, take time out. Get it fixed.
And yet,
09/07/2015
Taking care of business
What others do is none of my business.
What others think is none of my business.
What people think of me is none of my business.
What others think is none of my business.
What people think of me is none of my business.
25/06/2015
How the confident live... good luck to you if you tick all these boxes ~!
I read this great blog yesterday on the Internet, scary but it really made me sit up.
It is a list of 13 things confident people do differently
Why was it scary? Because it was so glaringly obvious that I am NOT confident.
It is a list of 13 things confident people do differently
Why was it scary? Because it was so glaringly obvious that I am NOT confident.
16/06/2015
It is none of your business
QUESTION LADIES: and I should say GUYS because I have seen guys do this too.
Why do we go Pain shopping?
Why do we ask, look and preety much go out of our way to find out information that is going to hurt us ?
Why do we go Pain shopping?
Why do we ask, look and preety much go out of our way to find out information that is going to hurt us ?
13/06/2015
Woman - you hold the keys to the universe
Woman: You hold the keys to the Universe
From your womb came mankind. And yet .... what are we today? Who are we today ?
Do we really know our own true value. Do we give ourselves away too freely. Do we understand how sacred our souls, minds and bodies are?
From your womb came mankind. And yet .... what are we today? Who are we today ?
Do we really know our own true value. Do we give ourselves away too freely. Do we understand how sacred our souls, minds and bodies are?
10/06/2015
Coming out of Withdrawal
Your either an addict - or your not.
You either understand or you don't.
You either know someone who is or you don't.
You either have compassion or you don't.
You either understand or you don't.
You either know someone who is or you don't.
You either have compassion or you don't.
03/06/2015
The Gift of Withdrawal
There is a list as long as my arm of things that happen to you when you put down addictions - the list of withdrawal.
Previously, I wouldn't have known - because I wasn't very good at putting my addictions down. I liked to keep my hands firmly on the wheel. Didn't do me any good.
31/05/2015
It's a bit nuts but ....
23rd MAY 2015
Today I did something my daughter wanted. To go to a beach club while on holidays. I admit I did protest in the morning - can we please only stay for a few hours ? I felt that longer than that would be a bit much.
Today I did something my daughter wanted. To go to a beach club while on holidays. I admit I did protest in the morning - can we please only stay for a few hours ? I felt that longer than that would be a bit much.
Well that was seven hours ago..... and here we still are. I've read a book, swam, hung with my daughter and pretty much did what I loved. I could be myself.... Hang with the world, relax and lay on my rock and baste in the sun. Not wallow under my rock.
And now I'm delighted. Because we set out early, we got prime posy in front of the infinity pool with the beach right behind. Lying on deck chairs in the sun, reading, swimming and hanging with strangers lapping up the same luxury of life.
I've contemplated for ages what will be revealed when I peel back the layers. Who am I ? What do I enjoy ? What types of people do I like? What things do I like to do in my spare time?
I've learnt this week I love love love riding motor bikes. I love the freedom of it. I love massages. I love being frugal - it makes me appreciate things more. I love reading, I love this new for me concept of reading from an i-pad. I'm an I-pad Virgin. ;)
So there you go. I am starting to enjoy myself :)
So there you go. I am starting to enjoy myself :)
Why does the world think a woman NEEDS a man.. the funniest thing I have heard all day
I have just spent the weekend in bed,
AH I bet you thought I was with a man. No in fact, I was on my own, well not alone if you count all my fury critters. They are bigger bed hogs then any man will ever be.
No, I was in bed sick AGAIN. Something about relationship withdrawal makes you sick. I dont know why. Because I personally find it to be great NOT to be in a relationship.
This is my first concious UNCOUPLING period since - gosh in at least 20 years. There are a few loves in those 20 years that I do need to mourn:
AH I bet you thought I was with a man. No in fact, I was on my own, well not alone if you count all my fury critters. They are bigger bed hogs then any man will ever be.
No, I was in bed sick AGAIN. Something about relationship withdrawal makes you sick. I dont know why. Because I personally find it to be great NOT to be in a relationship.
This is my first concious UNCOUPLING period since - gosh in at least 20 years. There are a few loves in those 20 years that I do need to mourn:
21/05/2015
Baby steps
So everything has been stripped back and I have fully exposed myself to myself. And what do I see. Hmm.
16/05/2015
You have got to be kidding
Remember the saying when you were a child:
When I grow up I want to be ......
I remember when I was younger, child/teenager and I imagined myself as a older woman, I honestly thought I would be one of those serene velvet voiced women that walked through the grass with no shoes on, fingers trailing along in the flowers with a carefree way about her.
Fast forward 30 years and here I am - staring 45 in the face wondering what the hell went wrong. I still think the same confused thoughts I did as an 18 year old. I am still controlled absolutely by my fears and my confusion about who I am, who I am meant to be and wondering if I am ever going to get some peace in my head and soul.
Today I decided to write because a fundamental realisation came into my my mind.
When I grow up I want to be ......
I remember when I was younger, child/teenager and I imagined myself as a older woman, I honestly thought I would be one of those serene velvet voiced women that walked through the grass with no shoes on, fingers trailing along in the flowers with a carefree way about her.
Fast forward 30 years and here I am - staring 45 in the face wondering what the hell went wrong. I still think the same confused thoughts I did as an 18 year old. I am still controlled absolutely by my fears and my confusion about who I am, who I am meant to be and wondering if I am ever going to get some peace in my head and soul.
Today I decided to write because a fundamental realisation came into my my mind.
20/03/2015
That first week
The last few days are interesting. Here I am yet again, coming away from a attempted relationship and at this stage I am still running. But I have realised I tend to run like I am running from a cage or jail where I feel free and I let all inhibitions go free. What I don't realise is that I tend to just run into another cage. .... it has been my pattern. I am a chronic love addict.
17/03/2015
The Ex-Factor and it isn't as entertaining
I am someone's Ex. In fact, I am a few peoples 'ex.' And I am a recovering addict. What that equates to is a whole lot of selfish, self seeking behaviour and ego feeding.
'Recovering' means finally being less and less in self and having the ability to feel and think again. It means learning to consider other people's feelings. It means learning to let go, let God.. Let go. Hmm # 1 thing I used to always be deplorable at. It took me 3 years to get over my first boyfriend. Of course I dated in those years and it was messy dating because at the time, I just didn't realise the huge impact of not getting over an ex had on moving forward in a healthy way. The effect not getting over my boyfriend had on my self esteem, my actions and the pain I inflicted.
'Recovering' means finally being less and less in self and having the ability to feel and think again. It means learning to consider other people's feelings. It means learning to let go, let God.. Let go. Hmm # 1 thing I used to always be deplorable at. It took me 3 years to get over my first boyfriend. Of course I dated in those years and it was messy dating because at the time, I just didn't realise the huge impact of not getting over an ex had on moving forward in a healthy way. The effect not getting over my boyfriend had on my self esteem, my actions and the pain I inflicted.
That girl inspires me ...... | Day 11
September 2014
WOW what a good distraction this blog is proving to be. Writing writing writing, that what I have been doing. There is also alot I don't post. Lately it has been heavy ... but that is where my life is at. Swimming through the muck.
Right now amongst all the muck are three little gems ~ Monika Sea, Isabella, and Herbert.
WOW what a good distraction this blog is proving to be. Writing writing writing, that what I have been doing. There is also alot I don't post. Lately it has been heavy ... but that is where my life is at. Swimming through the muck.
Right now amongst all the muck are three little gems ~ Monika Sea, Isabella, and Herbert.
Your either a bitch or your needy.... and you can be both
12 Nov 2014
Not sure what the title has to do with this topic - but I read a great book about it and it kinda stuck in my head !
Of course the subject of the moment is men, women and relationships.
I'm delightfully out of relationships right now and delightfully not looking to get into another one any time soon. So that leaves me single and ready to mingle.....
Hmm single and ready to mingle. But who with. Well firstly, ready to mingle with those near and dear to me. So near would be my broom, my mop, my cleaning tools, my tools, and work on my house. Dear to me means making more meals for the kids, being there to listen to them and support them. I need to learn some tolerance big time (apparently - says my son) and I need to get my butt over to Melbourne and visit my family.
Talk talk all talk. Because at my current level of energy, Work gets first pickings, basic chores around the house get second, the kids might get me if they are lucky. I am here, but not entirely present.
But that doesn't mean to say I don't try. I do, but I am one of those people that sees an elephant and I try to eat the whole elephant in one mouth full rather than small bites. And when the elephants head gets stuck in my throat, I get over anxious and I fall and I cant get up. So I end up eating part of the elephant, and the rest is left there, not finished. I have 6 acres full of half eaten elephants. And that's just that side of the zoo.
Then we have my social life. Well, I am not sure I would call it that. My head says, ohhhh, it would be sooo nice to go out and have coffee, so nice to go out to dinner, soo nice to go out to ..../..../.... or even ......
But then I go ... who with. I have never been good at socialising. Well I am good at going out, having some bevies , getting a bit of confidence and chatting to people half cut. Put me in front of friendships and I steam roll the convo and talk about my tragic love life. And that all just has to stop. Because I need more than relationships. I need to learn how to make friendships. Learn how to mingle and just chillax.
I have been in relationships most of my life and 100% focused on them and I need to start to learn to hear people and be there for them. Its going to be a bit of .....
and that is where my dreaming left off.
Fast forward 4 months. And TAKE 2
Lets try this gig again. Oops I slipped into a relationship and I shouldn't have !
Not sure what the title has to do with this topic - but I read a great book about it and it kinda stuck in my head !
Of course the subject of the moment is men, women and relationships.
I'm delightfully out of relationships right now and delightfully not looking to get into another one any time soon. So that leaves me single and ready to mingle.....
Hmm single and ready to mingle. But who with. Well firstly, ready to mingle with those near and dear to me. So near would be my broom, my mop, my cleaning tools, my tools, and work on my house. Dear to me means making more meals for the kids, being there to listen to them and support them. I need to learn some tolerance big time (apparently - says my son) and I need to get my butt over to Melbourne and visit my family.
Talk talk all talk. Because at my current level of energy, Work gets first pickings, basic chores around the house get second, the kids might get me if they are lucky. I am here, but not entirely present.
But that doesn't mean to say I don't try. I do, but I am one of those people that sees an elephant and I try to eat the whole elephant in one mouth full rather than small bites. And when the elephants head gets stuck in my throat, I get over anxious and I fall and I cant get up. So I end up eating part of the elephant, and the rest is left there, not finished. I have 6 acres full of half eaten elephants. And that's just that side of the zoo.
Then we have my social life. Well, I am not sure I would call it that. My head says, ohhhh, it would be sooo nice to go out and have coffee, so nice to go out to dinner, soo nice to go out to ..../..../.... or even ......
But then I go ... who with. I have never been good at socialising. Well I am good at going out, having some bevies , getting a bit of confidence and chatting to people half cut. Put me in front of friendships and I steam roll the convo and talk about my tragic love life. And that all just has to stop. Because I need more than relationships. I need to learn how to make friendships. Learn how to mingle and just chillax.
I have been in relationships most of my life and 100% focused on them and I need to start to learn to hear people and be there for them. Its going to be a bit of .....
and that is where my dreaming left off.
Fast forward 4 months. And TAKE 2
Lets try this gig again. Oops I slipped into a relationship and I shouldn't have !
oops I did it again... same same but different
We need to be careful in addiction. Something so small that the disease wants can stop you from grief and processing loss.
It can distract you from the natural process.
The best thing to do is to go with the HP - just go to him and hand it over. Go with the fear, go with the pain and don't look at the preety flashing lights. The drug is short lived and you are back to square one.
Pray. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
It can distract you from the natural process.
The best thing to do is to go with the HP - just go to him and hand it over. Go with the fear, go with the pain and don't look at the preety flashing lights. The drug is short lived and you are back to square one.
Pray. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
16/03/2015
Gratitude and Compassion
Two things to remind myself every day - Gratitude and Compassion
It is what I will need to get through the day.
It is what I will need to get through the day.
15/03/2015
Resentment or contentment?
January 2015
I stopped.I felt better and I stopped writing.
Suddenly, over 4 months went by.
Where did it go.
Was it used wisely? And yes I found that it was.
I found me, I found my soul, and I found my heart again.
Such a relief. I felt rebellion, I felt resentment, I felt contentment.
Living with addiction.. and the beat goes on
Living with addiction is a tough contract. One day at a time they told me and they sure aren't wrong.
They - being recovery groups. So each day I am living with addiction, and some days I don't notice,
but some days I really really feel it nipping at my ankles.
So I have to remember to never let my guard down, try and keep boundaries and bottom lines and try and stay single.
Because one of my addictions is Love Addiction.
They - being recovery groups. So each day I am living with addiction, and some days I don't notice,
but some days I really really feel it nipping at my ankles.
So I have to remember to never let my guard down, try and keep boundaries and bottom lines and try and stay single.
Because one of my addictions is Love Addiction.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)