Societies ideals V Reality | Day 12

WOW  thanks for all the love, support and feedback I have been getting. It is great there are a lot of people that connect with where I am coming from. It took a lot of courage to put my imperfections out there for the world to see, and I understand that a lot of people would be very uncomfortable doing that.  There is always a friend or relative in someones life that struggles with a monster in their heads. What I am being taught right now is how to manage the thoughts in my head via CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It is a type of psychotherapy that helps people to change unhelpful or unhealthy thinking habits, feelings and behaviours. So basically making that monster in our heads smaller. 

Tonight's beach walk - as grey as I felt

Early stages  .It will require me to do homework, a lot of homework - ugh I hate homework. Changing 44 years of bad mental habits.  Give me another job I hate and I will do that first. But this is important. And it is such a relief that finally, when I share what is going on, a therapist identifies it immediately and has something to go to. In the past - say 20 years ago, the therapists looked at me and didn't know what to do. So right now, I have this to work on. 

I am keeping my blogs real because I want to help take the heat off people. Societies expectation is to have our shit together no matter what life serves us . There is so much pressure in the world to be perfect. The world expects you not to talk about it. A woman of my age is expected to be one cool cucumber at all times. Especially after a relationship break up. How embarrassing to not be! Will I be judged. Damn straight. But I will only present my authentic self. Some people won't love me for it. But there are plenty of people that will. Because they are looking for an honest woman. Not a fake woman.

The fear of being judged is what makes one feel isolated and alone. But one is not. There is alot of us out there. With many family, lovers and friends supporting us. Let us unite in our reality.

Societies ideals

Confident
Serene
highly intelligent
Good income
Grace under pressure
versatile
No complaining
never sick
perfect job
perfect house
perfect kids
perfect marriage
perfect body
perfect mind
perfect hair
perfect friends
perfect parent

Reality

One step at a time
Deep breath
Look
Smile
Don't want to eat
Have to hold your shoulders up

Turn that music off
It is making eyes fill
How to have the optimism of a 17 year old girl
Brave brave happy girl

Full of ambition
Full of hope
Such a purpose

Where did it go
Will it ever come back
Writing is life saving right now

Couldn't handle my love

Not preety enough
Too heart broken
Cry too much
Too outspoken

When a hug makes it worth while
Kindness, caring, compassion
Holding me up
I reach out and they catch me when I am falling
When you look forward to feeling whole again

Is it over yet?
When will my head stop telling me I wasn't good enough?
Why do I feel so broken?
Why is this so unbalanced?

Why am I feeling this way now
After all these years
Thank God for my bike
Sentimentality is not helping right now.
Go away.

Its been 12 days.
Exhausted
Ready to smile again
Will it be gone when I wake up tomorrow?

Please


#love #grief #fantasy #breakup #boyfriend #caring