31/05/2016

What the hell just happened. WARNING Graphic feelings expressed

I sat in my lounge room tonight, an anxious, jittery, rejected mess.

My son walks out and suddenly I am sobbing like a child. I am beside myself. The epitome of a broken woman, fallen apart, destroyed by rejection and feelings. My son tries to console me, in fact, he hasn't been this attentive in what... a year, maybe 2 years. But I am irrational, inconsolable. He applies logic, my brain agrees, but my self esteem and my fear have taken over this show. They are in charge. They are making an absolute fool of me.

Why ?

What could leave this mature, independent woman falling apart?

1 simple text message.

I sent 1 message to a guy I have been dating for 6 weeks. Yup, only 6 weeks, could be 7 but lets just say 6 cause it makes this story even more tragic. 

I sent a text message hours ago to the guy I was dating that is moving interstate in 2 weeks. 

"how are you feeling hun?"

Hours and hours I'm waiting, checked my phone for a flashing light, and nothing. I picked up my phone at least a dozen times, nothing. As the time wore on, I became uneasy and was feeling more and more rejected. My head went into over drive. My negative self talk went into top gear "he is on tinder again, he is talking to someone else, he is no longer even at a point where he respects me enough to answer me, why couldn't he tell me he was done and ready to move on, why didn't he just talk to me, why did he have to end it this way, all our time together was perfect, whats wrong with me"

Yup I was winding myself up good and proper. 

My son walked in to me listening to this and reading this - I try anything to calm down and be rational again. 

He looks at what I am reading and says " Mum, people don't usually reply because they are busy doing something else, its not because its the persons fault". And he went on to try and help me get over my deep feeling of rejection. I couldn't stop crying. The dogs were looking at me with worried looks on their faces, my son was being so sweet and caring, but I felt so sad. This went on for at least 10 mins, I said " I hate being a grown up" whilst acting like a child. I said "don't fall in love" only to be told , "mum maybe you should stop dating"
On and on went woeful me. I even picked up the phone to show him the simple message I sent the guy. "see son look at ..... OH SHIT"

OH MY GOD, the message hadn't sent. 

We looked at each other, I looked at my sanity. OH MY GOD.  I just spent hours, crying about, reading about, thinking about why HE DIDN'T REPLY.

And most of the advice said... GET A LIFE, get over it, do something. Don't take it personally. Its not about you. He may need some space, he may be busy, he just may have a flat phone.

Or maybe, maybe, you just DIDN'T send the bloody message.

So whats the moral of my story? Well there are a few. Firstly the big one here is perception seems to be 9 /10ths of the law.

Here I thought Id sent a message and I didn't get a reply. I thought I was being rejected. I thought I knew what he was thinking. I thought I wasn't worthy. 
And quite simply I didn't even send the message and all those thoughts were wrong. And yet I believed them to the point that I felt sick, I felt unworthy, I was upset, distracted, unrelaxed and sad.

I had lost the ability to keep my shit together. In just 6 weeks, I lost my ability to believe in myself and my own worth.

But how did this happen ?

True story. I didn't follow a very wise dating plan - the 6 date rule I used a few times. I allowed my self to become intimate and attached after the second date. And by doing that, I lost the ability to be objective.

I failed to see that 1. This guy was not suitable for me 2. This guy was only 2.5 months out of a relationship so emotionally very very wounded 3. Then this guy gets a job interstate so the romance was short lived. 4. He indicated early on he wouldn't consider me for a long term relationship 5. He threw strong feeling words around very early on 6. He resembled a love addict.7. although he said I was preety alot, he never really asked about me or my life. 

Ive been crazy in love, Ive been madly in love, Ive had successful love and long term love. But now in my life, I have to be careful in love. I have to not allow intimacy to cloud my judgement. I need to get to know someone before I rush in and let my feelings out. Because at 20, you brush them off. But at 46, they really really cloud your judgement and you can lose the ability to be practical and sensible. 

So, yes of course I re learnt and was bluntly reminded that as an emotional feeling woman, it isn't smart for me to do anything other than follow a Dating plan in future and perhaps apply the 6 date rule.

Amen Sister. 

17/04/2016

Maintaining self ... through fear and doubt

Sleep deprived, adrenaline depleted and hungover - the perfect invitation for the FEAR monster to enter my head.

Intellectually, I absolutely understand and believe in the concept that I as an individual must never waver from belief in myself, in being myself and not backing away from that. In having a strong conviction in who I am and in my gifts.

But put someone in front of me where I let my walls down with and allow myself to feel, then suddenly up POPS the invitation to the FEAR monster. And in it waltzes to me head.

Today it waltzed on in and made itself right at home, fortunately this time I went to my tool box and pulled out the reality check list.

1. Understanding I am hungover, tired and extremely exhausted from some beautiful amazing emotional stimulation
2. I could see I allowed myself to feel hope, feelings and an expectation
3. I could see myself over think and over worry

So I picked up the phone and called my mother and she gave me some great advice. "Don't stop what you are doing" she said. "continue to enjoy your life, enjoy meeting new people and getting to know yourself around other people"

And then another call came in at the same time, friends inviting me to coffee. Suddenly a few shifts in my head allowed the direction of my thoughts to change. I was able to share my fear with my mum and friends and they all came back with the same advice. .."OWN IT"

Own the moment, rejoice in who I am, in my openness, my affection, my loving, my joy for life, my gratitude.

Don't fear who I am. Don't change what feels good and don't fear what I may have or have not done in error. Just accept and look forward smiling.

So today I sat here and panicked. I've spent this weekend opening myself up to a lovely man and suddenly we are both feeling feelings and I am panicking. I allowed myself to panic about....

Hang on .. about what ? Why am I feeling fear, why have I allowed the Fear Monster to just strut right into my head.??

It is time I sat here and said - that was lovely this weekend, but today is Sunday, Coffee with friends was lovely and sitting here with my dogs is lovely and having my mum come visit is going to be lovely and life is lovely.

And I am lovely.I am lovely. I am warm, loving, affectionate, youthful, spontaneous, beautiful, blessed with a beautiful family, dogs, friends, animals, home, job. I am a very special woman, and I am a gift and blessing to those that have me in their life.

I know what I want, I know what my year needs and my life needs. It needs me to OWN my own head and not invite or allow the Fear monster in my head. So this story is for anyone that forgets to do this. Who experiences that monster. Take charge, take positive affirmations and assert them. And look around you,  there is love for you everywhere. Let it in and have faith.It is hard, just don't give up.


11/04/2016

Never lose yourself in a relationship




See these hands?
Can you see how skinny they are?
They are the sign of exactly 11 months of anxiety

These are the hands that wrote And then what happened |Day 10-
Once, I let someone make me so anxious, so sick, so sad that I lost weight, I lost a bit of sanity and I lost myself.

The journey back to myself.
Where 20 years of mistakes finally caught up with me. I felt deep grief. I let go of alot of pain.

It takes alot of work to get to half the place I am now and it is going to take alot more work to get to a place I want to be.

10/04/2016

Cause and Effect

25.01.16

On my recovery journey, I have to wake up each day knowing that I am not at the top of the 'Recovery Class'

My addictions arent bat shit crazy enough and I continue to potter along as a functioning addict.

Sounds great... but it is very ho hum non progressive.

In fact, it is downright frustrating.

Sure, yes, aha I have definately grown within myself the last 3 and a half years. But when I see such a wonderful level of sobriety in other people, I could kick myself.

But then I get feedback from these 'sober' people and I hear alot of them tell me they wish they had my confidence, my vitality and my ability to go out into the world and just discover.


Cause and Effect

25th January 2016
Here I sit.
And if I really wanted to, I could look, watch and listen.
I can see an action made by a person and I can come to a judgement.
No facts. No details. Just what I see.
Simple.
Easy.
Humans do it all the time.
They judge someone's actions.
But here in lies the question......are people happy to be ignorant of the big picture and form a judgement on their narrow view of someone's actions?
Do I want to be that person? Do I do it ? Perhaps... don't we all ?

Examples....

Woman Cheats on Husband

Mother screams at child and virtually has a nervous break down

Woman with 3 young children leaves husband

Man moves to another state after marriage break up leaving 3 young children

Woman admits herself to hospital after an emotionally barren relationship

Woman becomes needy and clingy in a relationship

Woman signs up to online dating. Meets men and has one night stands

Woman turns in to raving lunatic when ex wife of current partner appears at residence

So many stories, so many opportunities for judgement.








SINGLE LIFE/ DATING FACT : According to WP

Being single can either be life enriching or soul destroying. It depends on YOU. Today I embrace being single because I view every date as a discovery about myself and mankind. Every person educates me and some enthral me
Being single at 45 is way more enriching, exciting and fun than being single at 20. Meeting (note: meeting does not mean shagging) new people and learning to engage with the opposite sex is enlightening and eye opening.
Life is about growing and learning and it's a wonderful experience to be able to say " Hello world, this is me. Nice to meet you. Share with me laughter, fun and adventure"

Personally, I do have moments of doubt, as we all do that someone suddenly doesn't or we think that someone won't message back. Or want to see us again. They are the ones that you actually did find interesting. attractive or different.

And sometimes they don't. And the best thing to do is take what you learnt and leave the rest.
The doubt, the worry, the recycling of conversations and where it went wrong.

Take it on board. 

Going out into the dating world in this day and age is different. There is a whole new set of 'care factor' rules. Where you don't invest to much emotion, display the perfect amount of interest and say what is confident and individual whilst managing to say exactly what they want to hear.

It's a tough game of respect yourself, get what you want and need for your self and yet gather some respect and interest from other people.

It really is a your rules game. And the best rules to have is to look at it all as another opportunity to rise above it all & make sure you maintain balance with all the things in your life.
 


10/12/2015

Dating a normy! And not settling

December 2015 and it  is exciting times. 

I am super excited about life as it is now, I am comfortable about not looking back and happy to look forward. I had an epiphany realising the 2 men I dated since my marriage breakup 3 years ago where emotionally damaged alcoholics.

So now I am ready to meet a man who isn't impacted by an addiction.

I can love both of these men for the unique amazing men that they are and walk away without any regrets, a heavy heart and bitterness.

I let them both go whole heartedly with love.

So 2 weeks ago I started on line dating. And what a revelation. There are ALOT of really lovely mis understood men and women out there. The men think the women are nuts and the women think the men only want 1 thing. I hear time and time again, "you sound normal". And it really makes me wonder what the hell is going on out there. Is there honesty, is fear driving people to not be true to themselves and what they honestly want. Do people really understand themselves and respect themselves enough to put out there what they really want and not budge. To maintain boundaries with dignity and respect? The fun thing is I am starting to ask people, what is it you are struggling with, with women. What do you say to them ? At what point do they freak out and go weird? Is it simple misunderstandings ? I find it all a bit fascinating actually.

It has taken alot of growth over the last 3 years to discover a few things about myself. And to be comfortable with it.

1. I find people viewing me and commenting on me from a sexual angle, incredibly dis respectful, insulting and intolerable. And I am happy to disregard them or remove them from contact with no self doubt.

2. I have a youth about me that is obvious to alot of people

3. I am comfortable with my looks, my body and who I am as a person

4. I am alot calmer within my self now and it is apparent to other people. In fact, it is mentioned alot and I am really really happy with it.

5. I have a real sense of calm in what will be will be.  I feel no need to chase anything or anyone, just merely to acknowledge enthusiasm and interest.

6. I will not chase friendships. I will make an initial effort and if I don't feel it reciprocated or respected, then I will walk away. With no regrets.

I read my recent post about putting it out there what I want and I know now I will even go to the point of being very honest and clear what my expectations are with any man that "says" they want to spend time with me.

I will not rush into any commitment like I did in the past, I feel no pressure to select only one person immediately and I am happy to meet up with a number of people until I have made my decision. I will not settle with anyone that does not meet all that I have listed on the previous blog. If they really value and want me, then I need to see that.

I do not feel needy, clingy or desperate. I have immense gratitude for all that I have in my life and  understand completely that I can not go into a serious time filled relationship. It will take time to thaw out, to give my heart again. Time and trust and alot of warm fuzzy lovely cuddles, laughter and kisses.